Crafty

            Being on set is equivalent to grocery shopping on an unlimited budget: by the outset of the day, my bag is filled with an assortment of granola bars, candy, and condensed pastries.  Although I feel no shame in my endeavors, I remain sly in my food collection scheme; I neither wish to upset the crew nor the editor, who ultimately controls my film fate.  I begin my three- step process by navigating toward crafty, grabbing a granola bar, and quickly meandering back to my purse.  I then slip the bar into my purse, and wander purposefully around the set.  Finally, within a five minute interval, I engage in deep conversation directly behind crafty.  I now have easy access to crafty, and begin the collection process once anon.

            I willingly participate in unpaid student films because A, the production values are surprisingly large, B, my school’s program is highly respected in the professional realm and festival circuit, and C, the free food.  I oftentimes hear students complain about craft service’s low quality food options, but I am thoroughly pleased by the bags of McDonalds French fries, five- thousand calorie Cinnamon Rolls, and unlimited Capri Suns.  Despite the continuity issues that this type of crafty poses, (as I, undoubtedly, put on significant amounts of weight within each six day shoot,) I can’t help but cherish the exorbitant amount of Kit Kat bars and pizza for lunch.  And while half the crew prays to the porcelain goddess that is the on- set toilet, I hold down excessive amounts of crafty.

            By the outset of each shoot day, we are several hours behind schedule.  This becomes a non- issue once the producer ‘accidently’ adjusts the shoot hours, maintaining a twelve- hour façade.  At the onset of each shoot, I promise to respect myself and insist on leaving at the outset of the twelve hours.  Yet, by the end of each day, I willingly stay the extra hours, skip class, and slowly but surly make it out alive. 

Sexy Inanimate Objects

My favorite union affiliated breakdown on actorsacces calls for a 'female, dressed as a sexy chicken, who stripteases while a watermelon pours honey on, and licks honey off, her body.'  Hollywood, for the win.   

Although I cannot fathom a single benefit reaped from wearing a chicken costume and simulating pornography, I respect a lady who succumbs to this character in hopes of resolving financial issues, passively aggressively sniding their significant others, etc etc and so forth.

I stray from roles which A, include the term 'sexy' in a character's name, and B, are inanimate objects.  As much as I love simulating oral while portraying a necklace...

My acting teachers embrace inanimate object roles, imploring us to spend hours a week exploring one inanimate object and then presenting our portrayal of that object in class.  

I had the 'honor and privilege' of developing the role of 'candelabra'….  

How the fuck do I play a candelabra?  

WAIT!  What's a candelabra?

           Perhaps the sexy chicken role isn't so bad after all...

      

My trusted encyclopedia, (faulty wikipedia,) describes candelabra as a traditional term for a set of multiple decorative candlesticks, each of which holds a candle on multiple arms.  In humanizing said object, I adorn myself in intricate jewels and walk with a regal strut... just kidding.  In preparation for the assignment, I lie on the couch watching Chelsea Lately, and snag an A for my 'eloquent presentation of the candelabra'.

These activities make me wonder where my life is headed...

Just Kidding.

But in all seriousness, I pay thousands and thousands... and thousands of dollars to replicate inanimate objects and crawl on the ground? 

Perhaps my educational experience is not fruitful in terms of knowledge acquisition, but I can assure you that I have more fun than the average business major.